What Is a High-Conflict Divorce?

When a couple gets a divorce, there is bound to be a certain degree of conflict, disagreements, and tension as both spouses try to resolve issues like custody, spousal support, and the distribution of marital property. However, when disagreements intensify to the point where one or both spouses engage in behaviors that intentionally derail the divorce process or inflict unnecessary emotional pain on one another, this is a sign that the split may have devolved into a high-conflict divorce.

While this can certainly make the divorce process more challenging, there are effective strategies that can help minimize conflict and help you and your spouse reach a mutually agreeable divorce agreement. A divorce lawyer with experience with high-conflict divorces will help you navigate the process, provide the legal support you need, and negotiate the best possible settlement outcome.

What Are the Characteristics of a High-Conflict Divorce?

While most divorces involve a degree of conflict, a divorce is considered high-conflict when there is a total lack of cooperation and effective communication between the spouses, making it difficult to reach an agreement on key issues like custody, parenting, spousal support, and the distribution of marital property. The following are examples of common characteristics of a high-conflict divorce:

• Constant arguing about the divorce issues with no resolution in sight.
• Demonization of one spouse by another spouse.
• Destructive communication patterns.
• Unwillingness to negotiate a settlement.
• Unmanaged anger around the children.
• Threatening behavior.
• Small disagreements escalate quickly into major fights.

How Do I Know If My Spouse Is a High-Conflict Person?

A high-conflict divorce is more likely to occur if one or both spouses have high-conflict personality traits that make them less able to adapt to change or navigate difficult decisions that affect the marriage and family. The following are common traits of a high-conflict person:

• Rigid thinking and demands
• Blaming others and playing the victim
• Unmanaged emotions
• Extreme or threatening behavior

How Do I Deal With a High-Conflict Spouse?

If you are in the process of getting a divorce and your spouse is a high-conflict person, the following tips can help you minimize conflict during your divorce:

• Minimize contact. People in high conflict are prone to bullying, bad-mouthing, and thriving off of a fight. To avoid this drama, allowing your spouse to use your own words against you if you respond or try to defend yourself in the heat of the moment can negatively impact your divorce. Keep communication to a minimum and avoid face-to-face contact whenever possible.
• Do not react. If your spouse sees you upset or emotional, they may see that as a win, which could invite more verbal attacks. Do not act on your feelings. Try to remain calm and rational.
• Prepare to go to court. High-conflict divorces often end up in court if one or both spouses cannot agree to the terms of the divorce agreement. If your spouse seeks revenge or refuses to compromise key issues, be prepared to go to court. Do not say or do anything that can be used against you, and document everything, including hostile emails and abusive text messages.
• Do not admit to a mistake. Never apologize to your high-conflict spouse, particularly in writing; they will use this against you, arguing that you are incompetent, dishonest, a bad parent, or a range of other accusations.
• Have realistic expectations about co-parenting. In ideal circumstances, you and your spouse should be able to set your differences aside when parenting your children. However, in a high-conflict divorce, any attempt to resolve important parenting and custody issues can lead to a fight. This is counterproductive, extremely stressful, and upsetting to your children.

How Do I Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce?

While even a relatively amicable divorce can be a complex and emotionally charged process, a high-conflict divorce is particularly challenging when one or both partners’ behavior makes it difficult to communicate effectively and respectfully, make compromises, and resolve important issues. However, by keeping the following strategies in mind as you navigate the divorce process, you can manage the repercussions and reach a mutually agreeable divorce settlement:

• Understand your legal rights. You must consult with a divorce lawyer with experience with high-conflict divorces and can address the unique challenges that often arise during these types of divorces. A dedicated divorce lawyer will help you create realistic goals, minimize conflict, take the necessary steps to protect your legal rights and negotiate the best possible settlement outcome.
• Do not discuss your divorce. As tempting as it may be to talk to friends and family about the issues you are dealing with, this can lead to more stress and confrontational behavior as you proceed with the divorce. If your spouse is a high-conflict person, and they find out what you have been saying to other people about your spouse and the details of your divorce, this can cause an extreme reaction. In some cases, this can cause a high-conflict person to become aggressive and even violent.
• Do not disparage your spouse in front of your children. Talking about your spouse negatively or critically in front of your children is never a good idea. If you need to vent about your spouse, consider talking to a therapist who listens to you and offers constructive strategies to deal with a high-conflict person.
• Do not immediately respond to every text or email. Rather than responding to a text or email when you are feeling particularly angry or frustrated, consider waiting a day or two to respond when you have had time to calm down and respond more level-headedly.
• Create a positive and effective co-parenting strategy. This can be challenging in a high-conflict divorce, but exposing children to constant animosity and turmoil can negatively impact their physical and emotional well-being. As parents, it is your responsibility to put your children’s needs above your relationship struggles by making every effort to co-parent effectively and respectfully.
• Shift from blaming to problem-solving. If your spouse is a high-conflict person and tends to complain or place blame, try to present a solution rather than getting defensive or angry.
• Develop healthy coping strategies. Navigating a high-conflict divorce can be extremely stressful and emotionally exhausting. It is highly recommended that you find healthy and productive ways to cope with these feelings. This could include blowing off steam by exercising regularly, meeting with a therapist or counselor to learn coping strategies, or taking yoga or meditation classes.

The Freehold Divorce Lawyers at Lyons & Associates, P.C. Help Clients Navigate High-Conflict Divorces

If you are in a high-conflict divorce, it is in your best interest to contact the Freehold divorce lawyers at Lyons & Associates, P.C. We understand the unique challenges of high-conflict divorces. To schedule a free consultation, call us today at 908-575-9777 or contact us online. Located in Somerville, Morristown, and Freehold, New Jersey, we serve clients in Somerset, Woodbridge, Morristown, Parsippany, Rockaway, Short Hills, Chatham, Randolph, Madison, Morris Plains, and Monmouth County.

• Category: Divorce